I was overwhelmed. I can remember those feelings every year – trying to be strong and to navigate everything while feeling so emotionally and physically weak. And this year is no different. Except that, despite all of my could be’s and should be’s from the past week, I am reminded, kindly, gently, by a Father who has never been anything but loving and trustworthy and good to me, that He is.
When Brigid died, I was challenged by the book of Job. I had people telling me it was okay to be angry at God – that He could take it. And I knew this was true. But I had a lifelong relationship with God and Jesus. I knew that trials and suffering were part of life and that they weren’t to blame for them. I knew that trials strengthened our faith. And I remembered that when, at the end of the book, Job even dared to question, “Why?” God sat him down and told him of all His vast knowledge and power. Sometimes, even sarcastically – “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!” (Job 38:4) I knew what that meant. Sarcasm is my second language.
Whatever it takes to save them, we said, it will be worth it. We will do it.
But Fiona’s heart was no longer beating the day after the surgery, and suddenly our world came crashing down around us.
We’d wanted four children, but not like this. Not five minus one.
Some of the other losses we grieve after our child dies have to do with the relationships we had before their death.
People that we imagined would be there supporting us in our darkest hour were nowhere to be found. No phone calls asking how we were or how they could help. Nothing.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3 Nine years ago, with three young boys under the age of five at home, my husband and I learned that we were expecting twins. Halfway through the pregnancy, however, we learned that our identical twin daughters were affected by something called Twin-to-Twin TransfusionContinue reading “On chocolate chips and trusting God”
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11 Nine years ago today, I lay in a hospital bed in Philadelphia. I was 20 weeks pregnant with identical twin daughters who were suffering from a condition called Twin-to-TwinContinue reading “One for sorrow, two for joy”